Ashksymphony's Weblog

Today, I have lost…I’ve been defeated…The biggest realisation of my life have i had today…that I can’t love…no I can’t…..I can’t keep no mate happy..It’s a fact that hurts.Perfection in my love was what i always believed in. Never knew, i was not perfect.Far fetched dream. I was nowhere near.

I was never a support, just a liability. I couldn’t do,what i wanted in return. I now realize how mean was i, how selfish. I now know where i lie. There is no world that exists within me now. I have no soul left to cry. I’m dead and yet I’m alive. The greatest pessimist whom even his angel could not endure.It hurts to know the real face of me. How true were u Ashk it’s a devil in an angelic face….

I curse no one, but me. I have reached the stage where i hate the soul that within me lies. I’ve hurt a lot of people and now i have to suffer, all alone this time. I never knew i could not love, no one. I never knew i was so weak. I was so meek, I was a loser….Yet i have to smile,I’ve promised my guarding angel i would not die…..

Je Vouis Aime Till Morte…..

Is it my fault,
or is it theirs;
are they my culprit,
or the culprit am i;
friendship is above love;
did they not understand,
or couldn’t i…

My fate, you played
such games with me
left me alone;
accept,though i,
no regrets within me lie…

An angel,free to fly,
I thought,was i;
no cage, i saw,
no boundaries;
how was i supposed
to know,
nothing material
to curb my thoughts,
this world,
was my limit….

Broke,am i;
yet, i do smile
no right do my culprits,
have to know
what changed within me,
what believes they killed….

He says, I will survive,
I will smile;
my beliefs would rise,
like a phoenix,
my world would be mine;
i trust him not;
he knows not,
I’m charred within….

My inner me speaks,
wish he could be right;
wish this pain
would subside
I wish to move on,
Wish me luck,
hold my hand,
may i not fall,
this time….

-Ashk

I fight a stranger,
There’s an i within me,
whom i don’t know…
Never met him,
but he’s there…

Silent,queer,
like a drop of dew,
Nascent…
Reflection of me
that doesn’t resemble me,
is the stranger whom i fight…

The stranger sings
songs of life,
The picture of sunrise
can his eyes paint,
even through
the darkest of nights…

The optimist within me
dares to dream,
innocent his thoughts,
The stranger within me…..

The stranger fears no foe,
but friends…
Silence his only weakness,
Loneliness his only strength…

His only companion is time,
the force he fears
beyond thee and life….
An unread book
is the stranger within me…..

How i see him??
I don’t!
He’s a feeling,
an emotion,
a solitary soul….
Only mistake he cries for,
is the love that was true,
Killed,
for reasons he hides….

I know not much of this stranger
whom i fight….
Yet i know so much,
to know that he’s alive….

The stranger i fight,
is no stranger at all
The stranger is “I”….

Ashk

The vacant stares of the innocent eyes, that gaze through the emptiness into the present, yet they live in the past. Innocent are the thoughts of the beautiful mind that wanders across borders not meant for it. What care can drag the wanderer to its coveted resting place.No dream, they say, is too big. But, an insomniac hasn’t the luxury to dream.

I feel empty at times, to look out and try to hold onto something, someone to care for you. The absence of that someone special creates agony. The fact that you live alone. you live for yourself.You live to survive. It sets the thoughts in a maze of whirlpool,where the end never seems to come.

Don’t think of me as a pessimist. I don’t complain, to no one. I live , i enjoy , i laugh, but yes i cry. I cry for things that i can’t control. i cry for what i can be, but am not. I cry for the handicapped desires of this soul. And i cry because i have been caged in a prison that no one made in particular. It was established much before i had any idea it was there. The prison i cannot break.

Life never seizes to amaze me. Its a puzzle, accepted. But the parts of this jigsaw don’t fall in place at times. The theories that humans have made never have bounded life. But then what exactly is the power that supports these unknown theories that push life. I don’t challenge life. But in other ways i do. I challenge those actions which i can change. I challenge those decisions which are made without my approval, and yet they involve me, they guide my course of life.

I have been a passenger in this journey that continues to new realms. I don’t want to be a passenger. I wish to be the rider . And i work to be the creator of my destiny. But, i feel weak at times. The resolve, the purpose, the desire to achieve what i set out to achieve, the driving force, the flame weakens at times. And it is then that i feel the pang of loneliness. It is then that i realize that i have no arm to hold onto, no one to hug, though the voices that surround me are many.